The most successful lawyers are the ones who build high quality relationships. You often hear terms like “networking” and “client development,” but it’s all just relationships.
When we think of what it means to be a “great lawyer,” most of us (including non-lawyers) think of a highly skilled practitioner. The surprising reality is that a lawyer can be much more successful due to their ability to build high quality relationships regardless of their skills (more on this below).
When I started my own law firm right out of law school I needed clients, so I joined a business networking group that met weekly. On several occasions, I woke up at 5:30am, showered, shaved, put on a suit and tie, drove 20 minutes to the place where the meeting was located, sat in my car for 5 minutes trying to work up the courage to walk into the meeting, but instead drove home without attending to avoid the discomfort that comes with being in a room full of strangers.
I’m introverted, and these kinds of meetings were very uncomfortable for me. Most people think I am extroverted, but any such characteristics are merely skills that I have developed out of necessity and a desire to succeed.
In the beginning, I mistakenly focused on getting clients rather than building relationships. This created intense pressure and conjured up feelings of desperation, imposter syndrome, and negative attorney stereotypes, which most people can smell. Once I changed my focus to building relationships everything changed, but I still needed to figure out how to make the process easier and more productive.
HOW:
I noticed that in any given social environment, there are always a few very extroverted individuals – people who are always talking, shaking hands, and making introductions. They are often the people who lead the organization, group or event. So, I would introduce myself to these people, and then let them do the uncomfortable work for me. I call it slipstreaming, or if you like cycling or NASCAR you might call it “drafting.” These extroverted individuals will break the ice, cut a path for you, and introduce you to others with little or no effort on their part simply because they enjoy it. The point is not to know everyone but to know the few individuals who know everyone. One high quality relationship could translate into hundreds of connections.
To leverage these introductions, I developed a simple three step approach to getting to know people:
(1) Ask people what they do and let them talk for as long as they want.
(2) If, and only if, they ask what you do, say “I am a _______ lawyer.” Fill in the blank with one or two words that label your practice area. That’s it, nothing more. For me it’s “M&A”. Other examples could be “Civil Litigator” “Criminal Defense” “Estate Planning” “Family Law” etc. I don’t recommend using more than one label since this will make it difficult for people to remember what you do (it also implies that you might not be an expert in any one practice area).
(3) Turn the conversation back to the other person by asking relevant questions about them that could lead to discovering a mutual connection relating to work, acquaintances, activities, education, charity, background, etc. Then expand on the subject that connects you.
The point is to build a relationship, it is not to sell your services. Two ears, one mouth. Relationships are about listening, connecting, relating, mutual benefits, trust, helping one another and reinforcement. Once you focus on relationships, everything else flows naturally.
WHERE:
As an introvert, I can’t handle too many relationships, so I tend to focus on quality over quantity. Environments where you have the most things in common and where you will repeatedly run into many of the same people tend to produce the highest quality relationships. Some examples could be social or sports clubs, charities, school events (yours or your kids’), county bar associations, recurring business/trade group meetings or any other place where you meet regularly around a common interest. Let the organization handle all the calendaring, agendas, rosters, and coordinating, which makes it easy to simply be a member. Conversely, one-off encounters usually do not lead to high quality relationships and take a lot more work, which is why I tend to avoid them.
WHY:
Without high quality relationships, it is possible that you will become a “great attorney” but getting a better job, getting clients, building a law practice, making partner, being successful and having a fulfilling career will be an uphill battle. The side effects of having high quality relationships in a professional setting are better jobs, greater impact, more clients, better clients, more money, more opportunities, more human resources, and more options. Many of these relationships can develop to become meaningful friendships and more.
So, if you are introverted and want more, then pursue your interests, find extroverts to pave the way, and encourage others to talk about themselves by asking relevant questions that will lead to making a connection. This process will inevitably lead to high quality relationships that will improve every aspect of your career (and personal life). Your future self with thank you.